Dentists

Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp, metal object. Then you sit in their chair, and the first thing they grab is an iron hook. (Bill Cosby)

I went to the dentist this morning. I hate it. I hate it so much. I can't... I really, really, really don't like going to the dentist. I don't like going to the orthodontist either. They're both... no.

I mean, it starts out innocently enough. I go, I wait, I sit in the chair.

Let's see what the damage is, shall we? (Wilbur Wonka, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory)

Bill Cosby's monologue goes through my head every time I head to the dentist/orthodontist. I swear, you'd think I'd have it memorized by now. I have the beginning down.

"We're just going to do a quick routine x-ray before we start your cleaning." (my hygienist this morning).

So, apparently, I have this phobia of having giant things stuck in my mouth. I first discovered this when I was several years younger and having to get my first x-rays for the dentist. They stuck that giant paper thing whatever it is in my mouth and I had to bite down so they could get a good picture. Yeah, that just didn't go well.

Probably because the first one they did was too big for me to properly close my mouth around, so after several more tries, they finally found one that was the right size for me to bite and do whatever it's supposed to do.

I'm clearly still scarred for life, and I just can't no nope it's not cool.

I mean, I still do it because I have to, but I hate every second of it. They put the thing in my mouth, and tell me to bite down, and I clench up and can barely breathe and I feel like I'm gagging but I'm not but I swear I will if this thing stays in my mouth any longer. How long does it take to do an x-ray? I try to breathe and calm down but I clench my jaw and bite harder and that makes the cardboard or whatever it's made out of cut into the roof of my mouth and the skin underneath my tongue (which I'm pretty sure is rather sensitive to things like that) and it just hurts worse and I'm panicking and trying not to panic and it's all over in the longest maybe 30 seconds of my life. Still have to restrain myself from vengefully biting the person's fingers off when they come to take it out.

But wait. Then we have to do the other side of my face. So I get to go through that all over again.

After that was over, she pulled out three metal hooks and started picking at my teeth, starting the cleaning process. I relaxed slightly, I mean, yeah, sharp metal in my mouth. What could go wrong?

I survived the cleaning. She was vaguely amusing and didn't ask me questions unless my mouth was actually available to answer them. So that was all good.

Then it was time to fluoridate (is that the proper terminology? Why am I caring now? It's not like I have for the entire earlierness of my post) my teeth.

Now, in all my earlier experiences with fluoride, the person would take a Q-tip thingy and dip it in the fluoride (which despite all their best efforts, always ends up tasting straight-up nasty) and then paint it on my teeth. Something would happen, I would end up fighting with the sucky thing for a good few minutes, then I couldn't eat for the next half hour while I wished I could so I could get the taste of nasty out of my mouth. Bam. Over.

Not so here, apparently. They have a mouthguard tray thingy. I saw that, and again, my phobia and panic hit me in the half second I had to react before she shoved it in my mouth. (There is nowhere I feel quite as powerless as the dentist/orthodontist's chair. Probably because my mouth has hands in it and I can't communicate.) So it was shoved in my mouth and that was really not okay. Really. Not at all. Blinding panic for several good seconds before I calm myself down and remind myself that breathing is a thing.

That thing has to stay in my mouth for a whole minute before she takes it out. I'd say I counted, but I was concentrating on not gagging and also breathing and not ripping it out of my mouth. But she was counting, so I could focus on that a little bit. Didn't help too much. Finally it got out, and I was ready to die, but I still had all the taste of nasty in my mouth, which I had to sit there and argue with the sucky thing and hope it helped.

This will suck up your face... Now you sit, grown-up, intelligent human being, arguing with this thing! (Bill Cosby)

But after that it was okay and I got out and I survived but it's good I only have to see the dentist every 6 months or so, barring outlying circumstances. Yeah.

Maybe one of these days I'll tell you the story of how my orthodontist set my mouth on fire. Or something. Still not sure what happened in there.

Oh look! A rainbow! (Bill Cosby)