How to Properly Steal Food

Due to the relatively recent influx of candy in my room (thanks to all my graduation leis) I have discovered my siblings have this incessant need for sugar. Preferably, sugar easily within their reach and quickly eaten. Therefore, they have been scouring my room (somewhat secretly- they have yet to learn how to search a room without leaving traces) to find the candy. I was sneaky and hid it somewhere other than my usual place. So a few weeks passed, and they had not touched the candy. (If you're wondering why, after a few weeks, I still have candy, well, I had like 3 pounds of candy. Try eating all that in one sitting. You might die.)

Then my baby sister decided to go and play in my room while I was at work. I'm on my break and I get this text from my mother saying "your sister found your stash" and I'm all like NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. But since it was just her in the room and mom discovered her, I didn't worry too much. It's not like the other kids knew about it, right?
Wrong.
My brother soon found it, and that led to the other siblings finding it.

Wrappers littered my room. I found sunflower seeds under my bed. My candy level substantially decreased. And I rediscovered a truth I had long known. My siblings don't know how to steal candy.

I know what you're thinking. "I think they stole her candy pretty well. It's all but gone."
But no. There's more to stealing candy and food than just taking it. That's just rampaging. And personally, I find that rampaging candy is just not classy. If you're going to steal my food, and least be somewhat professional about it. Impress me. If I'm impressed, I won't be nearly so mad when I find you out. If you do it well enough, I might never find you out. These kids have fantastically creative minds. I'm sure they can come up with something.

With this in mind, I have assembled a few basic tips on how to properly steal food/candy.

1) If something is wrapped or otherwise unopened, leave it alone. That's an easy way to get caught quick. People notice radical differences.

2) Likewise, if there are only a few or one of something left, leave it alone. The less there are, the more likely they know how many there were before you took one. Or five. And people definitely notice when something's all gone, and the last time they were there, there was some left. Moderation is key here.

3) Don't leave wrappers or other clues that you were there. Whether it be in the actual room itself, or some other place you think hides your crime well (under the mattress really doesn't work. It's just setting yourself up for failure a lot later. You have to get rid of it somehow.) Throw wrappers away in a community trash can. No one knows who threw stuff in there. And leaving stuff on the floor is asking for something big to happen.

4) If you are caught, have an excuse handy. It doesn't have to be a good excuse. "I saw a unicorn fly in your drawer and I wanted to catch it, but it's trapped in the candy and I have to eat it all to save it," is a lot better than "uuuuummmmm...... hi?" Make the person who caught you laugh. Happy people are more forgiving.

5) Leave some good stuff for the original owner. I personally hate it when my siblings eat all the good candy, leaving me to eat the horrible nasty candy no one wants. Take some of that nasty candy. You'll be doing everyone a favor.

And on that note, have a great day today. I shall be showing this post to my siblings, and suggestively hinting they take notes. If you have any more I might have missed (or just never thought of) feel free to list them in the comments!